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“The Merv Griffin Show” is the sixth episode of the ninth and final season of Seinfeld, and the 162nd episode overall. This episode first aired on November 6, 1997. It was written by Bruce Eric Kaplan and was directed by Andy Ackerman.

Plot[]

Kramer discovers the set of the old Merv Griffin Show in a dumpster. George's girlfriend, Miranda, is disgusted when George runs over some pigeons with his car. George believes that pigeons and humans "have a deal" (pigeons are to move out of the way when humans approach, and humans will overlook the pigeons' statue defecation), and that the pigeons have broken the deal. Jerry is fascinated with his girlfriend Celia's old toy collection she inherited from her father that she won't let him touch, saying they're priceless and have never been played with. Elaine's new co-worker, Lou, is a real "sidler" (Brent Hinkley): he silently approaches or withdraws behind people. He causes Elaine to spill coffee that creates a stain that looks like Fidel Castro.

Kramer takes the discarded set pieces and recreates The Merv Griffin Show set in his apartment. He pretends that the show is still on the air and acts as the new host, even using the show's theme when guests come onto the set, conducting interviews of everyone who enters his apartment. Kramer even stops interviews and cuts to a "commercial break" where he sips on a Diet Coke and eats from a bag of chips, before exclaiming, "We're back!" Elaine schemes to out-sidle the sidler who might be sidling her out of a job. While George swerves to avoid a pigeon, he hits a squirrel. Jerry complains that after three dates his girlfriend still won't let him play with her toys. Kramer adds Newman as a co-host for his show to help relieve the pressure of being a host. On his show Jerry says he has finally found a way to play with her toys, by drugging his girlfriend so she passes out. Kramer is disgusted.

Miranda insists that George pay for the special surgery required to fix the squirrel. Elaine gives Tic Tacs to the sidler to make him noisy; the sound annoys J. Peterman. Jerry and George treat Jerry's girlfriend to a dinner of turkey and wine, followed by a home movie; they hope that the wine and the tryptophan in the turkey (as well as the boring video) will cause her to fall asleep, and she soon dozes off. Once she is asleep, Jerry and George happily play with the toys. Later, Elaine learns of this, and on a future visit she joins in to play with an Easy-Bake Oven.

Kramer is concerned about his "ratings" and decides to change the format of the show to "Scandals and Animals". On the "show" (still without cameras) Kramer gets Jerry to admit that he has been drugging his girlfriend. Kramer then brings out the angry girlfriend (who was "backstage"); she breaks up with Jerry as Kramer and Newman do their best to whip up the non-existent audience, à la The Jerry Springer Show.

For the Animals segment of the show, Kramer invites animal expert Jim Fowler, who arrives with a hawk and asks Kramer, "Where are the cameras?" George brings the squirrel over to the set to get Jim Fowler's opinion, and the hawk goes after it. The Merv Griffin set is destroyed in the process, and afterwards Kramer comments, "It was just too much pressure hosting a talk show."

Elaine learns that the Sidler only ever liked a gum that came with a gumball machine that they stopped making 20 years ago. She calls Celia who invites her over for sympathy. Elaine brings the Sidler with her, then plies Celia with turkey and wine.

Notes About Nothing[]

  • A young Jerry Seinfeld appeared on The Merv Griffin Show in 1981.
  • The "commercial break" music Kramer uses is actually the theme music of the "Jerry" sitcom pilot from the Season 4 finale.
  • After Jerry says “Hakuna Matata”, the title of a hit Disney song, Elaine replies “Let it go”, which would become the title of a hit Disney song 16 years later.
  • It is a common misconception that turkey is a leading source of tryptophan, an essential amino acid. The real correlation between eating turkey and falling asleep is the excessive consumption of calories. Incidentally, whole milk and bananas are both richer sources of tryptophan than turkey.
  • "Playing with her toys" implies touching her breasts. However, in this episode, Jerry and his friends are interested in playing with literal childhood toys, which the owner objects to while conscious, so they do so while she's unconscious (which then has the connotation of sexual assault).

Quotes[]

Celia: "They've never been played with."
Jerry: "I just want to touch them a little."
Celia: "I said, 'NO.'"

Jerry while cuddling on the couch but touching a toy soldier: "Pew, pew, pew, pew!"
Celia: Jerry, those hands; they never stop!"

Jerry: "She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them."
Kramer: "Sounds like things are progressing...."
Jerry: "Actually, she doesn't know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine, and I guess she passed out."
Kramer: "What do you mean, 'wrong kind of medicine?'"
Jerry: "She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love."
George: "Aw c'mon, you've got to get me over there."
Kramer: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to say you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment." Newman presses play on cassette for music on Merv Griffin set.

Elaine: "You took him over to Celia's?"
Jerry: "What? It's a victimless crime."
Elaine: "What about the woman that's been drugged and taken advantage of?"
Jerry: "OK, one victim."
Elaine: "I think it's unconscionable."
George: "Hey, last night I found a whole Weeble village behind the Easy-Bake Oven."
Elaine: "Easy-Bake Oven?" asked with longing.
Cut to Celia's apartment with her passed out again, and 'ding' sound from Easy-Bake Oven.
Elaine: "Who wants a cookie?"
George: "Ooh, me, me, me, me."
Jerry: "You know that batter is like 30-years old?"

Lou the Sidler: "The only gum I ever liked came with a Mickey Mouse Gumball Machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago."
Elaine: "Well Sneaky, this is your lucky day."

Image Gallery[]

Season Nine Episodes
The Butter Shave | The Voice | The Serenity Now | The Blood | The Junk Mail | The Merv Griffin Show | The Slicer | The Betrayal | The Apology | The Strike | The Dealership | The Reverse Peephole | The Cartoon | The Strong Box | The Wizard | The Burning | The Bookstore | The Frogger | The Maid | The Puerto Rican Day | The Chronicle | The Finale, Part 1 | The Finale, Part 2
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