(Episode starts with the main characters at the fat yogurt store)
Jerry: I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."
Elaine: Hmm!
George: Fantastic!
Jerry: I told you. How good is this?
George: Good.
Jerry: How good?
George: Very good.
Elaine: They got blueberries. And there's real blueberries. What kind did you get?
Jerry: Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it in.
Elaine: Let me test-taste that.
Jerry: Huh? Huh?
Elaine: Hmm! Rico!
Jerry: Suave! And it's non-fat!
George: See, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.
Elaine: You want to taste mine?
George: Oh, you want to taste mine.
Elaine: No, I don't.
George: Okay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.
Elaine: All right, let's just forget it.
Jerry: You know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place.
George: What do you mean?
Jerry: He invested in it.
George: No kidding?
Jerry: Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so fucking good.
Mary: Jerry!
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry.
Elaine: All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay?
George: Oh, god. Look who's here.
Jerry: Who is it?
George: This guy from my old neighbourhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.
Jerry: Oh, really?
Lloyd: Hey, George!
George: Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.
L&J: Hi!
Lloyd: So, I hear you're living back home now?
George: Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.
Lloyd: Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? Something wrong with your arm?
George: Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves involuntarily.
Lloyd: Wow, that's a bitch, huh?
Lloyd: So, how are your parents doing?
George: Oh, pretty good.
Lloyd: This place does some business, huh?
George: Yeah, this is my first time here.
Lloyd: Hey, she's a doll.
Elaine: Hi!
George: Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.
Elaine: Hi!
Lloyd: Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.
Elaine: Nice to meet you, too!
Lloyd: Well, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy, huh, George?
George: Yeah! Yeah.
Elaine: Boy, he is really cute!
George: He's a jerk.
Jerry: He's gone, George.
George: All right. All right.
Kramer: So, there were a lot of people there, huh?
Jerry: Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: They're doing an incredible business.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.
Jerry: How did you know?
Kramer: Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: Buzz me.
Jerry: Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.
Kramer: Yeah, but did you tape it?
Jerry: Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?
Kramer: Yes!
Jerry: I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.
Elaine: Hey!
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.
Jerry: Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.
Kramer: Yow!
Elaine: What?
Kramer Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on five, ten pounds.
Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.
Jerry: Me?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry No.
Elaine: Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.
Jerry: I've gained eight.
Kramer: I told you.
Elaine: Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?
Jerry: How did I gain eight?
Elaine: I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.
Jerry: Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.
Kramer: No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.
Jerry: Well, how else could this have happened?
Kramer: Well, maybe it's the Oreos.
Elaine: I don't eat Oreos.
Kramer: You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? You're ~ practically having sex with them.
Jerry: What about me?
Kramer: You? You're getting old.
Jerry: Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
Kramer: Oh, guess again, Tubby!
Elaine: Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.
Jerry: There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.
Elaine: Gasp! I've got it.
Kramer: What?
Elaine: I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.
Kramer: Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.
Jerry: Well, let's start the insanity.
Kramer: Giddy-up!
Dad: Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy Tune dancing?
George: No.
Mom: I like tap dancing.
Dad: Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.
Mom: Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.
George: What's for supper?
Mom: Somebody's at the door.
Dad: Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.
Mom: Lloyd?
Lloyd: Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
Mom: Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.
Dad Hey! Lloyd!
Mom: What are you doing here?
Lloyd: Well, I was just in the neighbourhood visiting my mother, and so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".
Mom: Georgie. Come here and say hello.
Dad: How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now.
Lloyd: That's right. Hey, George.
George: Hey, Lloyd. How's it going?
Lloyd: I ran into George yesterday in the city.
Mom: Ow! What's the matter with you?
Lloyd: So, uh, how's the arm, huh?
George: Oh, it's good. It's good.
Mom: What's the matter with your arm?
George: Nothing.
Lloyd: Oh, his arm moves like this.
Dad: Your arm moves like this?
George: Yeah.
Dad: I never seen your arm move like this.
Mom: Me, either.
George: Well, it comes and goes.
Dad: It's like some kind of a spasm.
Lloyd: Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopaedists, and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.
Mom: Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?
Dad: You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York?
Mom: Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.
George: You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really nothing they can do.
Dad: Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?
George: All right. All right. I'll go.
Lloyd: Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.
Elaine: Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay. I got a place that can analyse it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.
Jerry: And they said they can do it?
Elaine: Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.
Jerry: All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen.
Elaine: Hm-hmm.
Mary: Well, I hope you're satisfied.
Jerry: What?
Mary: Every word out of my son's mouth now is fuck, fuck, fuck. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my fucking cupcake?
Jerry: Gee, I'm really sorry.
Mary: He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him?
Jerry: I'd be happy to.
Mary: Thank you.
Jerry: Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?
Mary: No fucking way!
Lloyd: Well, it was very nice seeing you again.
Mom: Oh, it was good seeing you.
Lloyd: Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day?
George: Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.
Mom: You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?
Lloyd: She is. She is. How about giving me her number?
George: Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.
Mom: She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benice.
Lloyd: Oh, great. Thanks a lot!
George: Yeah!
Lloyd: So long.
Mom: Bye! Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?
Newman: Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line!
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here!
Owner: Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh?
Jerry: It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.
Elaine: I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right?
Owner: That's right.
Elaine: 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat.
Owner; Yeah, well, there is no fat.
Newman; Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.
Elaine: Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!
Jerry: How's it doing?
Elaine: Not too good.
Kramer: Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.
Jerry: So what.
Kramer: It changes the molecules.
Jerry: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Kramer: Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.
Jerry: You call me fatso one more time, you're going to be walking back.
Elaine: Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.
Labbie: Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?
Elaine: Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?
Labbie: No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.
Elaine: That's okay.
Kramer: Hello, there.
Labbette: Hello!
Kramer: Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!
Jerry: What do you got there?
Labbie: Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it.
Jerry; Oh.
Elaine: Okay, I'm done.
Labbette: It was really nice meeting you.
Kramer: Well, the pleasure's all mine.
Jerry: You can't take that chemist out.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.
Kramer: I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.
Jerry: Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
Elaine: It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.
Jerry: That's enough.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Well, with the smells.
George: So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.
Jerry: Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.
George: I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.
Elaine: Hey!
G&J: Hey.
Elaine: So, guess who called me.
George: Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?
Elaine: We're going out tomorrow night.
George: Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since.
Elaine: I can't say that.
George: Why not?
Elaine: What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?
George: So, you're taking his side?
Elaine: No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.
George: Already you're marrying this guy?
Elaine: You never know.
George: All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.
Elaine: All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up.
Jerry: No, I believe he can.
Mary Hi!
Jerry: Hi!
Mary: You know Jerry.
Matthew: Of course, he's the funny fuck.
Mary: See!
Jerry: Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.
Matthew: You did it.
Jerry: That's true, but it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. Excuse me one second.
Elaine: You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.
George: Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.
Elaine: He tells him which soap to use.
Jerry: What the fuck you doing, you little shit?!
(The scene then cuts to the science lab)
Labbette: Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.
Kramer: Where's the lights. Whoa!
Labbette: How about this?
Kramer: Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.
Labbette: It's delicious.
Kramer: I hear you.
Labbette: Non-fat?
Kramer: Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?
Labbette: No.
Kramer: Well, this is in case there's a tie!
Elaine: Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?
Lloyd: Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.
Elaine: Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.
Lloyd: Name tags, hmm?
Elaine: Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.
Lloyd: Maybe I'll mention that to him.
Elaine: Really? Wow!
Lloyd: You sure you don't want any yogurt?
Elaine: No, I'm watching my weight.
Lloyd: Well, it's nonfat.
Elaine: Yeah, so they say.
Lloyd: Well, should we go?
Elaine: Yeah. Okay.
Elaine: Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat.
Jerry: He said that?
Elaine: No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!"
Kramer: Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?
Jerry: No, but I expect to hear anytime.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
Jerry: Why do you say that?
Kramer: No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?
Elaine: No. What about him?
Kramer: You didn't hear?
Elaine: Uh-huh.
Kramer: He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.
Jerry: Name tags?
Kramer: Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another. Jerry Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!"
Kramer: He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!
Jerry: Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!
Kramer: Yeow!
George: The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!
Doctor: Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.
George: Please, doctor.
Doctor: I've examined you.
George: Yes.
Doctor: I've looked at your X-rays.
George: Uh-huh.
Doctor: And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
George: Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye.
George: Now, see here, doctor.
Doctor: I said good-bye.
George: Fine. Ow!
Elaine: Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.
Jerry: Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.
Kramer: Okay.
News: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement.
Giuliani: It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.
Jerry: Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.
Elaine: Now look what you've done.
Jerry Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.
George: Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that.
Dad: I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away.
George: I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . .
Mom: Be quiet. They're starting the press conference.
Giuliani: My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.
Jerry: The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.
George: Phew!
Elaine: Oh, it stinks.
Kramer: Mine too. I got one more day.
Jerry: I can't eat this.
Newman: Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.
Jerry: It had fat in it, it's not good for you.
Newman: I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.
Elaine: Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.
Jerry: So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.
Elaine: I wonder what actually happened in that lab.
Kramer: Yeah, me, too.
Newman: I can't eat this.
Matthew: Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat fuck!
(End of Episode)