• "What you must understand, Elaine, packing is no different than leading men into battle. You've got to know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks. " - Jerry
  • "Uh, yeah, the hot water takes a little while to come on. So the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, come back and take a shower ... There's more, the refrigerator. Deduct a minimum of two days of all expiration dates. No meat, no leftovers, no butter, and I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?" - Jerry
  • "Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on here for ten years. No human can turn this off." - George
  • "[I don't have insurance] Because I spent my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most powerful lock they make. It has only one design flaw. The door must be closed!" - Jerry
  • "[They stole my] answering machine... Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls." - Jerry
  • "They deliver wood? What do you tip a wood guy?" - Jerry
  • "I don't know. What can you eat? You can't have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this, eggs out, coffee out, french fries out, BLT out. I go to visit my grandparents, they're eating big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!" - George
  • "How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe, uh, buying a new TV and smashing it over my head." - Jerry
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